It grows strangely dim

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Most of you who read this blog are my friends and family and for those of you that know me really well know that I have been on a roller-coaster for a majority of my life. Comparatively to most, people would say I have had an exceptionally fortunate and blessed life. However, I am was (still am in parts) an extremely stubborn girl who brought a lot of my afflictions upon myself or tried to fight my afflictions in spite.

There are things about me that only handfuls of people know, there are things that everyone knows about me, there are things that no one knows about me. Now look at yourself, you can say the same thing about yourself. It’s funny how we can be so transparent to some and so hidden from others. What factor changes that? Trust.

I have dealt with numerous amounts of trust issues and not due to any one particular event in my life or reason but it’s something that has just been a personal struggle. Maybe it was moving around when I was younger, maybe it was boyfriends, church, managers, society.. There are so many things to point fingers at and I know a lot of reasons why pointing those  fingers could be valid but in the end they aren’t. I let myself make trust an issue, I let my guard down and didn’t guard my heart or protect my vulnerability.

Even on your strongest and your BEST of days there is always something that can quickly bring you down if you aren’t careful, or that jabs at your side, or something that is nagging in your head. Often it can make you feel worn down in the sense that here you are having this great and perfect day and this one small thing compared to your awesome day has brought you down. Why does this happen? You wouldn’t immediately think to respond “trust” but lately I’ve found that, that is the only feasible answer. I am trusting too much in myself, too much in people around me and not enough in the one who created me.

Let me first say that if you would have sat me down for a conversation a year ago about any topic I wouldn’t throw spirituality at you. If you would have sat me down 8 months ago, I probably still wouldn’t have. Even 6 months ago. I made a personal decision when I was 13 years old to make Jesus my savior. I had things right for a while but when I moved back to the states I let the world get the best of me and I was stuck in a hole for a long time. I’m not saying that I lost my salvation, but I lost myself. Therefore, people know me as Erin or even sometimes as the old Erin but never as Erin who without a doubt loved Jesus. Recently I have come to my wits end and I had a rough year. Instead of reaching out for people around me, I reached up and I’ve haven’t looked back since. Since then I can’t stop talking about Him and I’m sorry if I seem “religious” or “consumed” with my beliefs but it’s like falling in love all over again. When people get in a relationship on Facebook you can tell they are falling in love because their profile picture changes, their status, their statuses, their tagged pictures, everything. No one complains about watching love unravel. I may not blast JESUS all over my Facebook or change my profile picture to a picture of him but if it seems like I talk about Him more or hang out with different people or my statuses are about Him, it’s because I’m falling in love with Him again and I don’t even notice I’m talking about Him all the time. However, I’m not ashamed and I want you to meet him too. Don’t get me wrong. I’m still Erin Gainey, I make mistakes, I still get hot headed, I still worry like an old lady and I still do stuff I shouldn’t. The difference now is that I’m working on it and I’m not consumed with my mistakes, I’m consumed with His grace. There is a long road to travel, trust me.

I will never be there girl who tells you you’re wrong, beat you over the head with my beliefs or thoughts, never will I judge you on your own convictions. Even though I know where I stand today, I have not forgotten where I stood before. I have believed in a lot of things, I have tried a lot of things, I have experienced a lot of places, a lot of lows. I have experienced a lot of highs, I’ve drowned myself in school and work, I’ve sacrificed my life to others. One of the beauty and curses of being human is the ability to never forget. Sometimes there are things and experienced you want to forget. However, if you forget them you will make the same mistakes again and you won’t learn from them. If you forget, you won’t remember why you’re thankful. If you forget your past you won’t know what  shaped you into who you are today. Therefore, I chose to not forget my past especially the one that is hidden from most because every day I have a reason to be thankful for who I am, where I am, and where I’m headed.

Going back to the topic of small things hindering you from having awesome days. I found the passage about Jesus taking care of the sparrows and how much more he loves us and how much more he will take care of us. I thought to myself, “that’s good stuff,” but I didn’t let it soak in. I read on and in 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 I stumbled upon this:

“Therefore we do not give up. Even though our outer person is being destroyed, our inner person is being renewed day by day. For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory. So we do not focus on what is seen, but on what is UNSEEN. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

Whoa .. I don’t know about you but that just put my good OR bad day into perspective. Jesus cares about us more than the sparrows (Matthew 10:26-31), he tells us not to give up, he is renewing us day by day, He is producing glory and he is preparing us for the unseen. The more we chose to put our trust in Him and not in others, the more our perspective will change to His and our afflictions won’t seem like afflictions anymore and our purpose will seem bigger. I posted about perspective a few days ago, I’ve never believed in perspective changing your life more than I do today.

I hope that this post didn’t seem preachy or superficial or anything of the like. For those that know me, I’m not like that but this post was on my heart and I’ve just decided that I’m going to speak my heart whether it “seems like me” or not. People change everyday and it might be small or little changes but you shouldn’t be ashamed of changing or being different from who you were. Change (positive and constructive) creates diversity and creates fresh starts. Unleash your true self, your true thoughts and progressions. You never know who might just need your boldness to bring out the change in them. I’m not just speaking spiritually. IF you have become a better person or understood the better parts of life, share your insights, share your heart. Think about a time you read a story or saw a picture or heard about a person that uplifted your heart, made you think differently or appreciate something in a new way. Who’s to say your life or your story might not do the same for someone else. Be bold today.

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